I feel like something is changing in my life.
Breaking through my daily routine made of work and absolute nothingness, framed by fights and incomprehensions with persons around me, a new opportunity has been offered to me in a moment where I think I just can’t take it anymore.
I’ll be honest: It’s almost a jump in the dark. But it doesn’t look bad at all. Indeed, I may have found a way to finally leave Italy and get rid of all the things that are making me feel bad and have weakened me for all these years. I have the chance to move in another European city. Maybe the last city I would have ever thought of… Amsterdam.
My cousin has been living in the Netherlands’ capital for three years following his studies, and he offered me to go live there with some advantages not to underestimate. It really seems like I will leave my work (we are already searching for a replacement) and go live there for at least three months, and probably after that period too. I’ll need to find a work, a very “humble” one at first probably, and sustain myself. It’ll be a hard decision, a great challenge for me, but one that will finally represent a turning point in my life to change things hopefully for the better. Because my life in this place makes no sense anymore: And believe me, I’m not exaggerating. It’s just not life anymore.
As all the (big) choices in life, this may represent a sacrifice: Japan. Perfume have indeed announced the awaited September/October tour, and all the friends I’m dying to see since 2013 and all the ones I still have to meet will be there, in the place I love more than anything else in my life. My move to Amsterdam may represent a “problem”, economically speaking. And since I miss Japan like the air, this can be a stab to my heart.
But life is made of sacrifices, and thank God I’m no spoiled kid: I may go live in Amsterdam, and still make it for Japan. Hard, but I’m not excluding anything. Nothing is certain yet (even though things are getting concrete by the day) but after all there are only two choices: Not going to Amsterdam would mean reaching the boiling point here, go to Japan (if I don’t end up in an hospital first), have the time of my life, and then come back here to feel even worse, maybe to the point of no return. Going to Amsterdam and leave this hell could mean a great new challenge and lots of new inspiration, but also less time to dedicate to my project and maybe exclude my trip to Japan.
As everything in life, there are pros and cons. But I honestly feel like my daily life is more important than a vacation (even though it’s a wonderful one): You can’t be happy only for 15 days a year. Cause you’re not gonna make it.
It won’t be easy, neither I want it to be. For now, I’m just glad something is changing in my life, and I don’t want to miss any opportunity. Because, after all, this is only part of a bigger story, another piece of the road I’m walking to the final destination, the dream represented by my project I’m working on tirelessly.
Still, my heart aches. Not for my home, my friends, my work, or the people I know here… I honestly don’t care about them enough and anymore to generate sadness in me.
It’s Japan. The mere thought of not going back to my second (?) home kills me.
This will be the hardest part. I’ll need much strength to go through this. Cause my love for Japan is so visceral it’s almost unnatural: So much that I’ll never be able to find words to describe it properly. And even if I’d try, I’d probably sound too ridiculous to be believed.