Distant

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Welcome home

If I didn’t waste my time and money in Amsterdam for two months and a half, I’d be in Japan now. Despite my experience in the Netherlands taught me much, it only made my personal situation even worse than before: Back home, with no money, and nothing done. I can hide behind the “life experience” excuse as much as I want, but the fact is, I’m here at the starting point, broke and depressed. Maybe it wouldn’t have been much different if I went to Japan, but at least now I’d be really happy and with lots of new inspiration to convey through my writing, as always happened every time I came back from the land of the rising sun.

It’s hard to face failures, but you gotta accept them and learn from it. Still, the harsh reality kicks my ass every single day despite trying to feel positive, or at least normal.

I was convinced that trying to trigger events in life by taking actions can lead to something good, but this year I had the proof that this is incorrect. Basically, if I’d never started my website (that’s struggling just like me) or didn’t go to the Netherlands, everything would have stayed the same. I took encouraging words from people around me for gold, but when they saw me coming back, they didn’t know what to say: Of course I appreciate their thoughts, but it’s sincerely disheartening to see their faces now. I swear (to who?) that I did everything possible to change the situation, but I’m not finding excuses on this: I tried really hard, to the point of feeling sick, but that wasn’t enough. Simple as that. Maybe.

Amsterdam has been a wrong choice and a huge mistake, and I’m paying the consequences of it. There’s no way I can get to Japan unless a money tree starts growing in my backyard, and with my “qualifications” it’d take so many years to gather those money that I feel sick at the mere thought of it. There’s a lot of people writing the same things I write, but in a better way, and I’m beating up my mind everyday to come up with an idea that can make what I do different. But I find my writing boring, and reading this draft before publishing it is even more boring.

My dream has never been this far from me. I’m honestly starting to think that my life is nothing but a joke, with someone standing above me laughing as I try to get out of this mess. And dreams are just… dreams.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

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Coming home

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I’m on the road back home in this moment: We drove through the Netherlands, Germany, Austria, and now we are in northern Italy. I had the chance to see some pretty beautiful panoramas on the way, and the sun is high in the sky, which makes me feel better after almost a month of depressing weather made of clouds, rain and killer wind.

My adventure in Amsterdam is over. It’s not that I wanted to leave now: I simply had to.

Indeed the original plan was for me to stay in this house with my cousin, a friend of ours, and another italian guy for two months, until the end of August. But despite the clear “deadline” of my staying, my cousin assured me I could stay almost as much as I wanted by simply living upstairs from the beginning of September, which I did, until Monday night a discussion came out from our friend: He said the fact I was still there kinda irritated him, cause there was a clear deadline for my staying, and he’s completely right on that. My mistake was in taking my cousin’s word of living upstairs for the next months too accurately. The four of us then had a brief argument on the matter (no fighting, we talked about it openly without problems) and we agreed on the only solution available: I could have lived there for another two weeks. Of course, finding a job and a house in the Netherlands in two weeks is plain impossible (I couldn’t make it in two months) so I decided to leave yesterday, two days after that discussion that left a bitter taste in my mouth despite not wounding anyone.

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I can’t deny that these two months in Amsterdam have been very stressful: I had to face many problems, from walking every single day for six or more hours around the Holland capital to leave CVs and looking for a job, the crazy long waiting for the fiscal number necessary to work and do anything, to the incredible absurdity of banks that didn’t want me to open an account, and washing dishes in a restaurant that didn’t pay me, all of this while still looking for a job, a house, and working as much as possible on my website, other than doing regular stuff in the house that you need to do when living with other people. Most of the time I’ve been alone, excluding some nice weekends spent with my cousin and some friends.

Simply put, it was the tiring and stressful experience of leaving your home for the first time and learn to live with other people that I needed to do. I needed it to grow up and to know what it means to do everything by yourself, without your parents wiping your ass and washing your clothes. And I’m honestly glad I did it.

Plus, I realized that Amsterdam is not a city for me

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very cool and beautiful city to live in, and people is great. I wrote about all the good things in it, and I still admire it. But for my personal tastes, it misses that “sparkle” that makes me truly love a place. So while leaving the city to go back home has been a sad decision, on the other hand, this is something that would have probably happened anyway. To live in a new place means doing lots of sacrifices, I did many, but at some point I realized it wasn’t worth it anymore for a place I didn’t fully enjoy.

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So yeah, this is how I decided to leave Amsterdam. My parents were in a vacation in the Netherlands when all this happened, so I took the chance to go back home with them by car.

I don’t know what’s waiting for me in the future. I don’t have a job anymore, but that doesn’t worry me that much in this moment, even though it should. For now I just need to gather everything, all my ideas and thoughts, to plan the next step. Hopefully this experience will make me more tolerant and patient towards my place and the reality surrounding me in Italy. I can’t wait to see my grandmother, my friends, and my dog. I’m excited to see them again.

I’ll definitely need a relaxing period after all this. I’m glad to be enriched by another experience, despite not being totally positive, and of still having that one thing to hang on to. Some nice ideas came to my mind during my trip back home.

– Alex

P.S: Thanks for your constant moral support. I really appreciate it, and it gives me strength. Love you!

That’s all folks!

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The restaurant I used to work in is refusing to pay me, so I’m thinking about destroying their fucking place with a baseball bat cause nothing makes an italian mad like being fooled by another italian.

Yesterday I paid the yearly hosting for my website, and I forgot how high the fee was: Of course I didn’t gain enough to cover it, well, actually I didn’t gain shit from it, but that’s not even the problem to be honest. At the same time, I paid the fee for the room I rented in August. I’m running out of money.

I can’t find another job. I’ve been leaving a shitload of CVs around the city and via e-mail for more than two months, talked to people and made more connections as possible, but no one is calling back. Glad I have at least provided paper toilet to so many employers.

I’ve sent e-mails to some journalists in the last few months to ask them some very brief questions, people whose writing inspired me. Of course, there is no reason why they should give two fucks about me, so none of them ever replied.

My bike is broken.

This stupid rain won’t stop.

And you’re tired of me always complaining.


That’s all folks!