If I didn’t waste my time and money in Amsterdam for two months and a half, I’d be in Japan now. Despite my experience in the Netherlands taught me much, it only made my personal situation even worse than before: Back home, with no money, and nothing done. I can hide behind the “life experience” excuse as much as I want, but the fact is, I’m here at the starting point, broke and depressed. Maybe it wouldn’t have been much different if I went to Japan, but at least now I’d be really happy and with lots of new inspiration to convey through my writing, as always happened every time I came back from the land of the rising sun.
It’s hard to face failures, but you gotta accept them and learn from it. Still, the harsh reality kicks my ass every single day despite trying to feel positive, or at least normal.
I was convinced that trying to trigger events in life by taking actions can lead to something good, but this year I had the proof that this is incorrect. Basically, if I’d never started my website (that’s struggling just like me) or didn’t go to the Netherlands, everything would have stayed the same. I took encouraging words from people around me for gold, but when they saw me coming back, they didn’t know what to say: Of course I appreciate their thoughts, but it’s sincerely disheartening to see their faces now. I swear (to who?) that I did everything possible to change the situation, but I’m not finding excuses on this: I tried really hard, to the point of feeling sick, but that wasn’t enough. Simple as that. Maybe.
Amsterdam has been a wrong choice and a huge mistake, and I’m paying the consequences of it. There’s no way I can get to Japan unless a money tree starts growing in my backyard, and with my “qualifications” it’d take so many years to gather those money that I feel sick at the mere thought of it. There’s a lot of people writing the same things I write, but in a better way, and I’m beating up my mind everyday to come up with an idea that can make what I do different. But I find my writing boring, and reading this draft before publishing it is even more boring.
My dream has never been this far from me. I’m honestly starting to think that my life is nothing but a joke, with someone standing above me laughing as I try to get out of this mess. And dreams are just… dreams.
I don’t know what to do anymore.